I do marriage coaching. A lot of marriage coaching. I currently work with 2-4 couples a week and have worked with about 300 in the past 6 years. This has been an amazing journey and has led me to start a book on family life so I can help even more couples.
As I was writing on that book this morning, I received an email from a woman who just found out her husband is having an emotional affair with a coworker. Sadly, this is something I coach people through on an almost weekly basis.
Men, if you’re having an emotional affair here’s what you need to do today:
–Stop! Cut off all communication, contact, texting, emails, calls, and personal interaction with the other woman now! Any contact you maintain with the other woman is a peg that Satan will use to destroy you, your marriage, your reputation, and your life. If the woman doesn’t know how you feel…you’re delusional…she knows how you feel and she knows that she’s been flirting with you, too. This is not the time to worry about embarrassing someone or hurting someone’s feelings or anything that keeps you from bolting back into the sanctity and safety of your marriage vows.
–Confess your sin to God. And don’t give me any of this crap about “well it never got physical, so it wasn’t really a sin”! You have betrayed your marriage covenant and lusted in your heart, so own your sin and take it to Jesus before your justification hardens your heart and leads you to spiritual death. You must also resist any temptation to excuse or justify your sin. Shut up! You have been flirting with and lusting after another woman. You are a married man, so wake up and show some self-control!
–Tell your wife. You will not get through this without being honest with both yourself and your wife. She will be devastated, feel betrayed…and she should! You are being unfaithful. A death has occurred: the death of the man she thought she knew and the death of the marriage she thought she had. She will grieve and you will let her. She has the moral high ground and has permission to feel whatever she needs to feel. You have lost the right to tell her how to feel.
–Get some help. You and your wife will need counseling to get your marriage back on the right track, to work through the pain, and to start the long process of healing. Your pride and arrogance may lead you to believe that you can fix it on your own, but….you’re wrong! Humble yourself and serve your wife by submitting to Christian counseling. You will need individual and couple’s counseling to get through this.
–Embrace the grace of God. You sinned. You are now experiencing the grace of God in a new and very real way. Embrace God’s grace because it’s the only thing that will get both you and your wife through this dark valley.
-Keep hope alive. You and your wife can survive this as long as YOU do the following things: Stop the sinful relationship, tell your wife the truth, seek her forgiveness, seek God’s forgiveness, seek Christian counseling, establish accountability with another brother in Christ, and resolve to live every moment of the rest of your life seeking to be the man your wife deserves.