Two Words: Chuck Norris

March 7, 2011 — 11 Comments

In my message this week I reflected on God’s plan for delivering the Children of Israel from Egyptian bondage.  I love that Moses doesn’t have to do anything but be faithful.  He doesn’t have to come up with any great ideas for how to bring the Israelites out of bondage.

What would I have thought of to bring the people out?  Two words: Chuck Norris

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

When the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris falls out of a boat he doesn’t get wet the water gets Chuck Norrised

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books, he just stares them down until he gets the information he wants out of them.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep, he waits.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

This side of Chuck Norris, I would have had nothing.

*I’d love for you to reply with your best Chuck Norris one-liners.

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11 responses to Two Words: Chuck Norris

  1. 

    Chuck Norris’s tears can cure cancer… The only problem is that Chuck Norris never cries.

  2. 

    Chuck Norris said “If you come back in here, I will hit you with so many rights you will beg for a left”.

  3. 

    According to my then 11 year old boy…Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter!

  4. 

    Chuck Norris can dig half a hole.

  5. 

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

  6. 

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

  7. 

    Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

  8. 

    My name is Jack Bauer. I would destroy Chuck Norris. Some facts for you: I have killed 266 bad guys on screen and am sworn to secrecy on how many off screen. In the course of 9 days I saved the United states from multiple terrorist attacks. I have served and protected 10 Presidents. Ordinary people have panic attacks. Chuck Norris has Jack Bauer’s attacks! Sleep with one eye open Mr. Chambers, because Jack Bauer does not like being disgraced by Chuck Norris.

  9. 

    Q: How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris?

    A: ALL OF IT!

  10. 

    Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting, because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure… Chuck Norris goes killing…

  11. 

    Jack Bauer is jealous because Chuck Norris hasn’t given him permission to grow a beard.

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