P.S. This post has been read by over 5,000 people. It’s popularity has inspired me to write an ebook on this subject. If you’d like to read more about contributing to the project click here.
I’m preparing a sermon series based on the movie, Fireproof. As I’ve been working on this series, the issue of cohabitation has come up a few times.
I’m currently working on a family life book (for information on my 5 other books click here: Arron Chambers.com) so I’m very interested in the issue of cohabitation.
This is a big issue today. I’m seeing a lot of young couples who are living together before marriage. This troubles me for several reasons, not the least of which is that living together puts a couple in a place of enormous temptation to have premarital sex, which is a sin.
A few years ago, I came across this flier on living together. It’s been helpful to me in explaining some of the other reasons why living together before marriage is not a good idea (when the sin angle isn’t enough of a deterrant 
), maybe it will be helpful to someone you know.
Seven reasons why living together before marriage is not a good idea:
1 Those who live together before marriage are least likely to marry each other. Forty percent of couples who live together will end their relationships before marriage.[1]
2 Those who live together before marriage have higher separation and divorce rates. The Journal of Marriage and Family reported marriages that are preceded by living together have 50 percent higher disruption rates than marriage without premarital cohabitation.[2] The Universities of Chicago and Michigan reported that those who cohabit before marriage have substantially higher divorce rates than those who do not; the recorded differentials range from 50 to 100 percent.[3] Researchers from Yale University, Columbia University and the Institute for Resource Development at Westinghouse revealed the divorce rates of women who cohabit are nearly 80 percent higher than the rates of those who do not.[4]
The University of Wisconsin at Madisonresearchers report that cohabitors perceived greater likelihood of divorce than couples who did not cohabit before marriage and the longer couples live together outside of marriage, the higher likelihood of divorce.[5]
3Those who live together before marriage have unhappier marriages. A review of 10 cohabitation studies found that those who cohabit prior to marriage show a significantly lower marital quality and have significantly higher risk of marital dissolution at any given duration.[6]
Couples who lived together before marriage also separated more often, sought counseling more often and regarded marriage as a less important part of their life than those who did not live together before marriage.[7]
4 Those living together before marriage have more frequent disagreements, more fights and violence. Three studies find this to be true. Pennsylvania State University researchers found that those who live together were more negative and less positive when resolving a marital problem and when providing support to their partner.[8] They also found that husbands and wives who had lived together before marriage were more verbally aggressive, less supportive of one another and generally more hostile than spouses who had not lived together.[9]
The University of Wisconsin at Madison reported that couples who had cohabited prior to marriage reported greater marital conflict and poorer communication than married couples who had never cohabited.[10]
Research reports couples who live together have more frequent disagreements, more fights and violence, lower levels of fairness and happiness with their relationships compared to married people.[11]
5 Those who live together do not experience the best sex.The National Institute for Healthcare Research found that couples not involved before marriage and faithful during marriage are more satisfied with their current sex life than those who were involved sexually before marriage.[12] Another study done by the Family Research Council found that 72 percent of all married “traditionalists” (those who strongly believe out-of-wedlock sex is wrong) reported high sexual satisfaction. This is roughly 31 percentage points higher than the level by unmarried “non-traditionalists.” Religious women are most satisfied with the frequency of intercourse and were more orgasmic than are the nonreligious.[13]
6 Those who live together before marriage experience more behavioral problems. Compared with married couples, cohabitors report higher levels of:
- Alcohol problems.[14]
- Aggression is twice as common.[15]
- Greater marital instability, lower marital satisfaction and poorer communication.[16]
- Depression rates are more than three times higher.[17]
- Women being assaulted is 56 times higher.[18]
7 Living together outside of marriage negatively impacts their children. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, researchers from the National Marriage Project, found that children living with cohabiting biological parents who are unmarried are 20 times more likely to be abused and children whose mother lives with a boyfriend who is not the biological father are 33 times more likely to be abused than children with married biological parents.[19]
Compared to children in intact families, children in cohabiting households had more behavioral problems and poorer academic scores.[20]
Every empirical study seen indicates living together does not produce healthier, happier marriages, but the contrary. Mature love is built on the security of knowing that your love is exclusive and permanent.
Sources
1. Bumpass, Sweet and Cherlin, “The Role of Cohabitation in Declining Rates Marriage” Journal of Marriage and the Family 53 (1991) 913-927.
2. Ibid
3. William G. Axinn and Arland Thorton, “The Relationship Between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Casual Influence?” Demography (1992): 358.
4. Neil Bennett, et al., “Commitment and the Modern Union: Assessing the Link Between Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability,” American Sociological Review 53 (1988): 127-138.
5. Elizabeth Thomson and Ugo Colella, “Cohabitation and Marital Stability: Quality or Commitment?” (Study of more than 13,000 adults) Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992): 266.
6. Alfred DeMarris and K. Vaninadha Roa, “Premarital Cohabitation and Subsequent Marital Stability in the United States: A Reassessment,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992): 178.
7. John D. Cunningham and John K. Antill, “Cohabitation and Marriage: Retrospective and Predictive Comparisons,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships(1994): 90.
8. Dr. Catherine L. Cohan, “Living Together Pre-Marriage May Lead to Divorce,” Journal of Marriage and Family 64 (2002): 180-192
9. Ibid
10. Elizabeth Thomson and Ugo Colella, “Cohabitation and Marital Stability: Quality or Commitment? (Study of more than 13,000 adults) Journal of Marriage and the Family 54 (1992): 259-267.
11. Susan L. Brown and Alan Booth, “Cohabitation Versus Marriage: A Comparison of Relationship Quality,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 58 (1996): 668-678.
12. David B. Larson, MD, NMSPH, et al, “The Costly Consequences of Divorce: Assessing the Clinical, Economic, and Public Health Impact of Marital Disruption in the United States,” National Institute for Healthcare Research, Rockville, Maryland. (1994): 84-85
13. David Larson and Mary Ann Mayo, “Believe Well, Live Well,” Family Research Council (1994).
14. Allan V. Horowitz et al, “The Relationship of Cohabitation and Mental Health: A Study of Young Adult Cohort,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 60 (1998): 5005-514.
15. Jan E. Stets, “Cohabiting and Marital Aggression: The Role of Social Isolation,” Journal of Marriage and the Family 53 (1991): 669-680.
16. Jan E. Stets, “The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships,” Journal of Family Issues 14 (1993): 236-260.
17. Popenoe and Whitehead, “Should We Live Together? What Young Couples Need to Know about Cohabitation Before Marriage,” National Marriage Project, Rutgers, (1999): 7.
18. University of Wisconsin’s National Survey of Families and Households, American Family Association Journal, July 1993.
19. Popenoe and Whitehead, Should We Live Together?” What Young Couples Need to Know about Cohabitation Before Marriage,” National Marriage Project, Rutgers, (1999): 8.
20. Ibid.
April 15, 2009 at 5:17 am |
This is quite a hot info. I’ll share it on Twitter.
May 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm |
[...] fascinated that my post, Seven reasons why living together before marriage is not a good idea, has been viewed over 1200 times. I think couples that are considering living together outside of [...]
June 7, 2009 at 2:26 pm |
You seem like a very smart person!
June 30, 2009 at 7:33 am |
[...] Sermon on Living Together By Arron Almost 2,500 people have read my article on Living Together Before Marriage. [...]
August 17, 2009 at 2:44 am |
[...] still feel like they have an “out” if things go bad, even though they live together. This post from “My Lord and my Blog” outlines seven reasons (besides premarital sex) that couples shouldn’t cohabitate before [...]
August 28, 2009 at 9:58 am |
You conveniently fail to mention all the underlying factors for which were not accounted in those above-mentioned studies. For example, socioeconomic status, the couple’s reasons for moving in together, race (divorce is actually higher among whites than non-whites in cohabiting relationships), and the general personality types of people that tend to cohabit prior to marriage.
Here is a good overview from another set of bloggers: http://www.pobronson.com/blog/2006/06/will-this-marriage-last-does-living.html
I think that your blog is misleading, and you should include all the facts before presenting this to others.
RG
January 2, 2010 at 3:04 am |
Sometimes it is just the strategey and ideas associated to cohab before mariage attracts those who have less self control and tolerance… Religous or not those who do not cohab before marriage. Is probaly more likely to have higher moral standards rather anyways… Even if cohab is feasible
March 29, 2010 at 7:17 am |
I can’t believe what I am reading in this post. Pretty judgmental of you to post such a heinous reply! Its funny that most religious affiliates (not all) are more likely to pass such judgements onto complete strangers. Do you think God or Jesus showed such tolerance towards people? I think you are liking moral fiber for posting such a reply!
March 10, 2010 at 9:51 pm |
Why do you use statistics from over 20 years ago? The most recent statistic was from 7 years before you posted this.
March 25, 2010 at 11:02 pm |
I would have to say I had quite a good chuckle after reading these “seven reasons” and nearly wet myself. How can one person have their head so far up their butt, they would exclude many important stats on the subject they are talking. As far as my feelings on the matter, the reason why some cohabs prior to marriage split up is because through cohab they were no longer compatiable and/or happy with one another. Whereas gettied married beforehand leads to similar problems later down the road with more serious consequences. Thank you and good night internet town.
March 29, 2010 at 7:19 am |
Oh you should see what Tom has to say about the matter!!!!!!
June 9, 2010 at 11:32 am |
[...] More On Cohabitation Before Marriage By Arron About 14,000 readers have read my post on the dangers of living together before marriage: Seven Reason Why Living Together Before Marriage is not a Good Idea. [...]
August 31, 2010 at 11:55 pm |
i’m a victim. i’ve been living with my fiance and believe me i lost a sense of self respect and there is a lack of communication. his needs are met and my are not because he has more power than me. it is so bad to cohabit because you perform the duty of wife than fiance. working so hard to be where i’am, it sad that i should explain my finances to a fiance. Believe me, i agree with this article, i know that we will never marry as i have been with him more than nine years without being introduced to his family. IT SAD VERY SAD AND FRUSTRATING. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do because we bought the house together.
September 1, 2010 at 8:26 am |
I find the replies to this topic very interesting. I am a born again Christian and I have not found anything that says that biblically: cohabitation is wrong. I understand that it can put someone in a place of temptation, but between a man and a woman with self control (a fruit of the spirit), I think that this can be handled well. It seems to me that it is viewed by many Christians in a similar way to that of alcohol consumption. Where if you have a drink, you are not sinning, but if you get inebriated then you are sinning, therefore you shouldn’t drink at all. Also I do agree with the fact that these data do not take into consideration that the majority of Christians, are those that believe that marriage is a covenant with God and traditionally will not cohabitate. Therefore I would venture to say that these studies primary use non christians, most of which are involved in premarital sex. In using this study group, it should be no surprise that we would get a high percentage of couples that are unhappy or end up getting divorced, seeing that they expect too much from marriage and at the same time do not view it as a binding contract that is not to be breached. Again, I do not see how cohabitation, without sex, is biblically wrong, and while I would caution young Christians, I can neither condone or forbid it.
September 2, 2010 at 10:16 am |
I am not a Christian but I don’t believe in living together before marriage. The is a reason why you have to get a license to get married.
It is a serious combination of 2 lives, minds, and resources.
I may never get married, but I want to be loved for what I am. Not if I will live with a guy or what I can give him.
September 2, 2010 at 10:20 am |
South Africa – RUN AWAY and call a LAWYER. Don’t let love blind you into the grave!